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Grieving

Earlier this year, long-time MLCer @hemajang’s wife passed away.  @hemajang thought that dealing with the loss of a loved one – whether it be a spouse, sibling, or anyone close to you – might make for a good blog topic.  And as us MLCers get older – let’s face it – we’re attending more funerals than weddings or baby showers.

 

grieving

 

Me, I try to use faith.  To believe that something better awaits me after life on earth is done.  And those who have parted from us are already there – a place with no wars, no hate, no envy, no animosity – just love.  And I like to believe that they are also around us everyday – watching over us.  Their souls have never left us and they are doing everything they can to make our daily lives comfortable.  And with that in mind, I try not to say “I miss you” – because they are right there.  And there is nothing that they can do to take away that feeling of missing them.  And they feel helpless.  Just have faith that our departed loved ones are okay.  In fact, better than okay.  Something that neither you nor I can explain – but it’s all good.  Real good.

 

That’s not to say that it still doesn’t hurt when someone we were close to – who was always around – is gone.  Even a family pet.

 

And we deal with it best we can.  Some cry.  Some pray.  Some hug.  Some keep it to themselves.  I have to say that social media can come in handy.  I mean, surrounding yourself with friends is a way to cope with a loss.  I don’t mean to reach out to them for sympathy.  But rather to see them going on with their daily lives.  And joining in on their happiness.  But on the flip side, having the ability to weed out the Debbie Downers who use social media just to make trouble.  Skip them.

 

This is a tough one @hemajang!  lol.  But it’s an important one.  A topic that everyone has dealt with or will deal with during their lifetime.

 

How do you grieve?

38 Responses to “Grieving”

  1. Seawalker says:

    @hemajang – You are typical in the finances of a household. Somehow, da wife gets it done. But as for me, I got “assigned” to pay the bills and to make sure the tax return gets out on time. With this responsibility, I make sure Mrs. S knows what I’m doing. Chances of me going first is pretty good. So I make sure she gets it from my filing system to my system of getting the bills paid. Yeah, we need to hele on with our estate planning. That’s important because some of us got Trump money and some of us only have Trump change. If you proceed blindly, Mr. America or a.k.a. and affectionately known as Uncle Sam (Bruddah Sam for those of us in Hawaii) will be the benefactor. But as far as the house goes, if I’m not around, I think da wife would be smart enough to sell it off and move to a condo. Easier on the maintenance. Man, the BMW is looking more and more attractive and sexy when I think about things. LOL

  2. hemajang says:

    Probably most of you have a living trust and did your estate planning. It was something we should have done years ago and put it off and the cost was especially off-putting. When wife was alive it didn’t seem urgent that we have a living trust in place with everything we own in joint. I was ignorant in such matters. My sisters and brother did their trust so I got some advice from them, also talked to friends and did some research, went to a workshop put on by a law firm that specialize in estate planning and had a free 1/2 hour meeting with one of their principals. It was worthwhile and informative but didn’t go with them. Later I heard that the firm is like a puppy mill of estate planning and their cost was on the high side. There is a base cost and then there are additional cost depending on your needs so it can add up in the end. Anyway I went with a smaller downtown firm that I came upon while going through all of the estate lawyers I could find on the internet and lawyer was a person I knew when he was a kid, he was smart then and you could tell he would be somebody. It helps to have a personal connection when dealing with professionals. It took some time to prepare and he even came to my house to go over a draft. Basically my wife was the decider on major decisions and family matriarch, we all miss her dearly. I’m just trying to do what I think she would have approved.

  3. hemajang says:

    Thanks again for your condolences. @jaydee II I got my revocable living trust and funeral plan in place but also working on my house not only to make it nice but to make it easier to sell. Not sure if my kids will sell house or one of them will buy out the other two but there are provisions in my trust to allow it. Haha, not planning on dying soon but want peace of mind that my property can be sold without extra expense to my kids. Mortgage was paid off last year. One problem may be if my health is so bad that I would need to be in a nursing home for an extended period. I don’t have long term insurance. I might have enough assets to be in a nursing home for 2-3 years. I’m a Vietnam vet and recently registered at Tripler and got my VA health benefit ID card. I was also exposed to Agent Orange in Vietnam so if I were to get certain kinds of cancers or health issues related to exposure VA would provide medical care and other benefits. I doing all of this to make my kids have less to worry about with my health care or death. I know all of this sounds morbid or fatalistic but felt a need to be prepared. Unless you have Trump money I think you do the best with what you have. It all comes down to how much you want to leave for your kids. My kids have good careers so they don’t depend on me financially, I just don’t want them to spend monies caring for me.

    Another thought about grieving…some will ask me after the death of my wife about how I’m doing and I usually say I’m okay and doing fine. In most cases nothing is said further about my wife. Actually I sometimes wish more is asked about my wife and memories of her. I think most do not want to bring up the subject and think it inappropriate or awkward. At times I will bring up something about my wife in conversation but don’t want to dwell on memories of her if it makes others feel uncomfortable. I don’t mind talking about her even if I get a little emotional or teary, maybe some will feel differently and not want to talk about the loss of a love one but eventually I think you should be open about your feelings. Its a good outlet while grieving. All of this is new and part of a journey as Seawalker would say.

  4. Seawalker says:

    At our last class reunion, the laughter and smiles are put on hold when the topic of death comes up. “Eh, you heard? William not with us anymore.” “What????” “Yeah, he died a couple years ago.” This comes as a shock to many. You remember your classmate in good times and when our health was never a concern. All of a sudden, you heard they died and it hits home. You kind of realize that you’re not going to be on earth forever. If it can happen to William, it can happen to you. That’s why I haven’t really gone to my reunions. When we were younger, it was all about the jobs we held and the number of kids we got. Nowadays, it’s more like comparing health issues, the talk of retirement, and who bit the dust already. Almost like a soap-opera, if you ask me. High-emotions and definitely low-emotions. Dang, come this weekend, if you see this scumb@g driving around a brand new BMW with the license plate, C-Walker, it’s me lady and gents. Tomorrow may never come. I’m going out in style…hehehe

  5. Mark'75 says:

    Heartfelt condolences @hemajang.

  6. Rodney says:

    Last week I was in Costco and my daughter said “Dad, I think I saw your small-kid-time friend. He was looking at you like he recognized you”. Then she told me that he was riding the motorized wheelchair. Now, this was a big guy – the kind that you want behind you if anyone was making trouble. I used to see him every now and then and he was doing good.
    So we walked around to find him and I started talking to him. He shared with me that he wasn’t doing too good. He might have some kind of autoimmune disease that’s attacking his kidneys. And they’re doing tests on him for cancer. I was so crushed to hear that. But he said that whatever happens “It’s God’s will and I’m good with that”. I said that I tell myself that “Hey, we’ve made it this far and I’d like to believe that something better waits for us”. He said “Right on!”.
    After departing, I told my daughter that I’m so glad we walked around to find him – for all I know, that might’ve been the last conversation we’ll even have. Left me feeling melancholy.

  7. ankleBYTERS says:

    “In the blink of an eye….everything can change….so forgive often and love with all your heart…..you may never know….when you may not have that chance again….”

  8. Kage says:

    My condolences hemajang.

    I lost my mother a long time now. It was unexpected and rough for the family for a few years. I still think of her when the family gets together or something special in my life happens.

    Today I live with knowing my dad is not healthy and may not have many years left with us. Unfortunately he moved to the mainland and is far from the family and unable to make the flight home. I do what I can to visit and when I do I make the best of it. He says he has everything planned for the end, but has only shared it with my brother a number of years ago. Not sure how current the information is.

  9. jaydee11 says:

    Sorry for your loss Hemajang.

    A close friend of mine told me about the passing of her uncle. He knew he was terminal, stage 4 liver cancer, so he got his affairs in order. He made sure everything in the house was functioning, new roof, new faucets, etc. He paid off every bill and his house. He planned his funeral and paid that all off. He didn’t want his wife and kids to go through the pain of dealing with all those things after he passed. A few weeks later he passed quietly and peacefully.

    Makes me think about my future and wife and kids. I know I’ll probably put it off until the last minute…if I have that chance anyway..

  10. Seawalker says:

    Got this card about being an old-fut. Man, so true…

    Three grandpas sitting on a bench.

    First old-fut goes, “it’s windy”.

    Second old-fut says, “no, Thursday!”

    Third old-fut corrects them and goes, “me too! let’s get some beers!”

    😆 😀 😯

  11. Seawalker says:

    Read somewhere that losing your child is the hardest thing to accept in life. Man, that’s heavy. But it happens. It’s just not a natural progression in life to go through. The oldest is supposed to die first. My turn as patriarch of the family is almost there. Not waiting for it by any stretch of imagination. It happens by default. Call me Mufasa (Lion King) then.

  12. Seawalker says:

    Life Is But A Stopping Place (Author Unknown)

    Life is but a stopping place.
    A pause in what’s to be,
    A resting place along the road,
    To sweet eternity.

    We all have different journeys,
    Different paths along the way.
    We all were meant to learn some things,
    But never meant to stay.

    Our destination is a place,
    Far greater than we know.
    For some the journey’s quicker,
    For some the journey’s slow.

    And when the journey finally ends,
    We’ll claim a great reward,
    And find an everlasting peace,
    Together with the Lord.

  13. hemajang says:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiMsI5ZZ-qg&index=1&list=RDRiMsI5ZZ-qg

    “Passage” by Vienna Teng, a haunting song that I listened to many times in the past but not recently. Seawalker comment about losing someone to an accident reminded me to listen again. I interpret this song as a spirit who died in a car crash and observes her survivors as time goes on and have moved on with their lives without her.

  14. cmo says:

    Thanks to all for posting. I’ve gone through a divorce and lost my dad and two brothers. FORGIVENESS is usually a key to moving through grief:

    Forgive For Good Workshop (FREE)
    When: Monday December 5, 2016 from 8:00 AM to 3:30 PM HST
    8:00-8:30 Registration

    Where: Central Union Church – Parish Hall
    1660 S. Beretania Street
    Honolulu, HI 96826

    Registration Deadline
    Monday, November 28, 2016
    Open to 150 registrants

    Parking
    Park on lawn closest to Parish Hall

    Contact
    Susan Oka
    Hawaii Pacific Center for Excellence
    Coalition for a Drug-Free Hawaii
    soka@drugfreehawaii.org
    808-545-3228 ext. 38
    Oahu Workshop: Monday, December 5, 2016

    The Office of Youth Services, as part of the ongoing Juvenille Justice Reform and Restorative Justice, is sponsoring a free Forgive For Good Workshop on Oahu and Hawaii Island, Hilo and Kona, presented by Fred Luskin, Ph.D., former Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, to promote forgiveness life skill training.

    Participants at this workshop will learn the basics of forgiveness methods developed by the Stanford Forgiveness Project. Participants will be able to:
    Gain a practical understanding of the process of grievance and forgiveness related both to self and others.
    Understand the core components of grievance and forgiveness for personal and professional use.
    Learn simple techniques for facilitating self change and emerge with an enhanced repertoire of forgiveness skills to help others.
    Have an increased understanding of the mind body connection and how it relates to emotional and physical well being.
    Learn the 9 steps of forgiveness.

    Dr. Luskin holds a Ph.D. in Counseling and Health Psychology from Stanford University. He is the Co-Director of the Stanford-Northern Ireland HOPE Project, an ongoing series of workshops and research projects that investigate the effectiveness of his forgiveness methods on the fictions of political violence. He served as the Director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, the largest research project to date on the training and measurement of forgiveness intervention. He currently works as a Senior Fellow at the Stanford Center on Conflict Negotiation.

    Register Now!

  15. Seawalker says:

    Losing your spouse is devastating. I can only imagine so. It will happen to all of us who are still intact. If not today, then one day. Also, the surviving spouse might have it even harder. Death does not come instantaneously. You take care of your partner to the end. But no one will do so for you when your turn comes.

    Ever lost a relative or friend at an early age? I have. It just doesn’t look natural to see such a young face in the casket. You have to think, wow, if only they lived longer and to their potential. Life have so much to offer.

    Ever lost a relative or friend or acquaintance to a sudden death such as an accident? I have. You don’t even have an opportunity to say goodbye. You can express it all you want, but that person is lifeless and cannot say goodbye back. Life is not fair sometimes.

    Yolo. Yup, this terminology implies so much more negative things than what’s good for you. But yolo is right. You only live once. If tomorrow never comes, then it’s too late to have that prime rib or steak you wanted to try. It’s too late to wear that nice shirt or dress you’ve been saving for that special occasion. It’s too late to say, I love you to the ones you love most. So go ahead, yolo sometimes. Because unlike ‘heads-up, 7-up’, where you can expect your classmates to follow your command, you cannot dictate death.

  16. Mark Shelby says:

    We love you hemajang! Sorry for your loss. When I lost my Father in 2001 it was the hardest thing I ever went through. When my ex wife ran off in 1994 it was the happiest day of my life! ; )

    So life is always filled with up’s and downs. It’s the circle of life.

  17. dihudfan says:

    right on @hemajang… life goes on… enjoy and stay positive!!!

  18. NKHEA says:

    Howzit @hemajang thanks for sharing…..take care my friend.

  19. Seawalker says:

    Right on, @hemajang. Main thing is to stay happy, find the joy that comes with life.

  20. 4G says:

    Thank you for sharing your story @hemajang!

    I am happy you hit the “submit” button. 🙂

    I, too, find journaling/writing a good outlet.

    My sincerest condolences for your loss, again. Sounds like you are dealing with it well. Hang in!

    One of the good things of the great purge (of belongings) that I did several years ago is that it will help whomever will need to clean-up my remaining stuff when I go. I really need to work on that will/trust stuff. Thanks for thr reminder!

  21. hemajang says:

    Oh, a day late to post, didn’t check MLC yesterday…mahalo for your condolences. How do I grieve? Yeah it is personal and individual, not like there is a set way for us to follow. We were a couple since 1969 and losing her was devastating for me. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012 and it was already stage 4 so she went through all the various treatments, ultimately cancer had spread to her brain, spine and liver. She was amazing and brave, hardly ever complained and always had a smile for everyone. It must be said that the last year of her life was probably the most intimate and emotionally connected for the both of us. I was at her side when she died and I just broke down. It was hard. Grieving never ends but time helps to ease the pain. But you have to move on and I never was so depressed or disconnected that I couldn’t function. I had so many issues to deal with …funeral arrangements, burial, etc. that I became focused on managing the day to day stuff. I was busy tending to our financials and because I was now a widow and my affairs had to be made easy for my kids when I die so went to a lawyer and had a trust, will, power of attorney, etc. drawn up and even purchased a funeral plan. I have a binder and instructions for my kids. Actually I should have done this a long time ago but kept putting it off. Everything we owned was in joint so not a problem if one dies but a problem afterwards when you are single and no clear path for your kids to your property and assets. They say that you shouldn’t be making important decisions while grieving. Some will put things off until they are ready to deal with their estate but I wanted keep myself busy and make sure my kids won’t have any problems with my stuff. I really felt vulnerable with my estate in limbo and was relieved after my documents were finalized. Told my lawyer that I’m ready to die now…he laughed.

    Similar to 4G’s belief or non belief I don’t think of grief or the lost of a loved one in religious terms. I was never a religious person and the same with my wife. I don’t believe there is an afterlife or a god, that’s just me and respect any person’s religion. I go to my wife’s niche at Punchbowl once a week, went there today, and I talk to her about how I miss her, what’s going on with my life, how the kid’s are doing, etc. etc. Basically I’m talking to myself but I feel better and it feels right connecting with her.

    I also started up my journal again. I first started journal to take notes about my training, record distance, time, how I felt, weather, etc. than later wrote about everyday stuff, what I ate, movies I watched, latest gossip. But stopped writing just about when my wife needed more care and didn’t run as much. Anyway I write about my day, what’s going on, not everyday but memories of wife and how I’m feeling. It helps to write down your thoughts and feelings. I have attended bereavement support group meetings put on by the staff of St. Francis Hospice. Participants share insightful stories about their loved ones and how they deal with grief. You are not alone. I’m not sure if I will continue with the support group. I feel that I’m ready to move on. Some have been going to the meetings for years, think it becomes more of a social gathering of like minded friends. I was going to another group meeting that was actually a “walk in the mall” at Pearlridge where you have a group meeting and pair up and walk and talk around the mall. Had more men at Pearlridge and was able to relate to their situation. I find that men probably grieve differently than women in general. If you are ever in need of hospice care I highly recommend St. Francis Hospice…they were highly efficient, professional and caring. We used their home services for 3 weeks. Wife was able to die at home surrounded by family and friends.

    Was having second thoughts about hitting the submit button but what the heck we all different …

  22. walter says:

    The tears started to well up in me on the last post. Have a nice weekend everyone.

  23. walter says:

    What I nice feeling Masako after waking up after having a nice visitation with your Bachan. Sometimes I have dreams of pets and rarely people but they are always nice but sadly too short. I wish I have one with my auntie Margie who died without me knowing and to this day I have regrets about not contacting her much earlier just to stay in touch. She will always be welcome to my home and hopefully in my dreams. Her belief is to be in Heaven so that’s where she is. Still come down every now and then OK. (can you sense my regrets?)

  24. Seawalker says:

    Pope John Paul II’s funeral was right on. He chose a simple wooden casket to be buried in. As important of a person as he was, he wanted to give a final message in death. No need be all splashy. Look a Michael J@ckson. Shiny like heck, his casket. No need. Me? I’ll have my checkbook and pen in hand. If I owed you money, you can collect then. LOL

  25. Masako says:

    My deepest condolences to Hemajang.

    How do I grieve? For me each situation was different. First of all I learned that grieving is not only for when people die. When I got divorced a Pastor told me that I had to grieve the end of the relationship. For that one work is what helped me, I had a co worker going thru a divorce at the same time so we supported each other.
    The death of my maternal grandfather was unexpected, so that one hit me the hardest. I was in a daze for awhile but through lots of prayer and knowing that he was in a better place got me thru that.
    My other 3 grandparents were sick so we knew it was going to happen. That didn’t make it any easier to accept but after seeing them suffer I was happy that they were no longer suffering. My maternal grandmother who I was very close to even came to me in a dream two months before she passed and told me she was going to die and to not be sad. I was devastated when I got the call that she had passed but when I went to view her body she had this peaceful look on her face that I hadn’t seen in such a long time, I was relieved that her suffering had ended. A few months later while I was in Japan, she came to me in a dream and said “Thank you”. She loved Japan and was always so happy when I got to go. She still visits me in my dreams. I miss her but I know she is with me.
    I’ve had three pets pass away and its like losing a member of the family. What got me thru those is this poem called “The Rainbow Bridge”. One of them, my cat Monty visits me occasionally, usually on the anniversary of his death.
    Like Rod said, we are at the age where we are attending more funerals than when we were younger. With Facebook I am in touch with more of classmates than I would be without it and we are at the age where parents and even some of our peers are passing away.
    In all cases, the number one thing that helps the most is my Faith in God and prayer. I imagine heaven as a place like Rod described, peaceful, no hate, no crime, no politics, no presidential elections, a place where God is king.

  26. 4G says:

    @Seawalker – 😆

  27. Seawalker says:

    I remember back in grade school, ‘you like die or what’? That’s when someone wanted to scrap with you. You like beef? We go throw! Put ’em up. Nowadays, you don’t ever want to say that–about dying. Bachi. You may get what you asked for. Those bullies, they were so prophetic back then.

  28. Seawalker says:

    Eh, @4G, YMMV, eh? Yup, that’s why we always said, ‘keep on truckin’, bro’ from long ago. Just wanted to honk the ol’ horn on da truck. LOL

  29. Seawalker says:

    Lucky many of us have kids. Imagine on your death bed and leaving empty? Imagine the lack of support for having no family to grieve with? There are people like that out there. Just feel fortunate about life. We can only take with us memories that we accumulated over the years. Never worldly possessions. Oh, and maybe a few dollar bills in our pocket for tipping. I want the big chariot with the turbo wings. 😀

  30. walter says:

    This is a heavy one so I’ll contribute in bits and pieces otherwise I’ll go to bits and pieces. I know that in grieving you think you are the only one who’s going through something like that but over time you realize otherwise. You might still hurt but then you somehow carry on. I like to think that somehow a deceased person/animals presence is still around for better or worse (pardon my clichéd adage) and perhaps comfort can be had from knowing that, except I hope they’re not around when I’m in the bathroom you know and all that or doing something naughty–but then they might act like a guardian angel and somehow guide you from the danger of doing something naughty. Anyway that’s part of how I cope. Yup and at our age there’s certainly a lot more loss of people we know or are familiar with. (notice how I’m cloaking my words–yikes death, dying, dead, died, make, shindai (or something like that in Japanese)–sometimes too intense to say directly. Sadly my friends father went last week after a stay in the hospital, but I just found out this week :(. He was 87 and had a good life with a loving family and had become a great grandfather. Still 87 ain’t that old but then–. Anyway the family is doing well and their mom is quite strong and all over everything and has wonderful memories to share. More later.

  31. sally says:

    My sincere condolences, hemajang.

  32. 4G says:

    @dihudfan – I give you credit, man!

  33. Seawalker says:

    I come from a different angle. I, maybe, even came from a different planet. I just see things differently.

    We are just passing through this place called earth. Through transgressions, we were put on earth to suffer, to feel the pain, the hurt, until we have had enough. Then it’s onto the next journey. The next phase. You paid you’re price while on earth. But as for Tigah Woods, that buggah, he’s going to be re-born even after he make’. It’s all about the transgressions whether you like it or not. Ask him.

    Often times I see life as a privilege. You come into this world naked and you exit this world naked. You indulge in the things you think that makes you happy. You do things to make yourself happy and avoid things that make you sad. Death makes us sad.

    Sometimes, Mrs. S says the darndest things. Just the other week, some force in nature caused me to pass gas at the dinner table, unexpectedly. No biggie, eh? Wrong. “You are a dead-man if this place starts stinking up.”

    Some people just have zero-tolerance for certain things. Till death do us part… 😆

    Hang in there, @hemajang!

  34. dihudfan says:

    for me it wuz a hud thing aftah I came back from Viet Nam… I had a hud time going to any funerals, I just didn’t want to see anymore dead bodys, even if it wuz one of my relatives or friends… It took a while to come to grips with attending funerals and actually looking at the person we were there to grieve for and saying goodbye to them…

    sometimes I feel happy for the person that passes, especially when they suffer a lot, it is sad but a relief that they are not suffering any more…

    as for them going to another place… I just don’t know… hopefully they do go to a better place… I do believe in God but I don’t attend church, which I think most people go for a social thing, but don’t get me wrong, I do believe some people go because they believe in why they are there, and live their lives accordingly…

    there are times when I catch myself laughing… thinking of something funny or good that happened with a person who is deceased…

    Sometimes I think God takes away most of the good people I know so that they can be close to him…

  35. 4G says:

    Wow – kind of a heavy topic. My experience has shown that I have an atypical, often unpopular, view on this topic.

    “Grieving” in the most general sense is very rational and can be reduced to analytical, demonstrable, repeatable, scientific, even clinical analysis. We can talk about it in terms of things like “the seven stages of grief” and I don’t think many would disagree with the discourse.

    The source, or root of the grief, however, is a little different to me – especially when we lump it in with things like “death” and “afterlife”. At that point, in my opinion, we start to delve into the realm of “religion”. My personal definition of “religion” is a system of beliefs – and here is where opinions will vary amongst different people.

    IMO, is science a “religion”? Absolutely. I happen to weigh science more heavily than traditional “religion” in my day-to-day existence, but I don’t view science as the “final answer”, either – because, like traditional “religion”, science also doesn’t have all the answers and at a certain point, faith, belief, etc. come into play.

    That said, this post is my personal take on the issue. So much of this stuff, when it is all said and done, cannot be reduced to non-emotional “fact”. IMO, just because someone is passionate about an issue does not necessarily make it true. Nor does it make it false.

    The human mind likes to deal in absolutes – i.e., “black and white”, and does not like to deal with unknowns. The reality is we really don’t know a lot of things. In fact, many arguments have been made that, in reality, what we know pales in comparison to what we don’t know. I tend to be of the same opinion.

    IMO, there are relatively few absolutes in life.

    Death

    To me, the ultimate adventure. Is there something on the other side? Dunno; no one that I know who has died has been able to come back to tell me that there is, indeed, something on the other side. Does that mean there is nothing on the other side? No – it means that I don’t know and likely never will until I die (and even then, I may not know – if it turns out to be “nothingness”). That’s why it’s interesting to me – I wanna know! LOL

    Do I hope there is something on the other side? Yes.

    All we know is that no one is making it out of here alive. I view life and death as two-sides of the same coin. I would venture that a fact is that if you live, you will die, so it makes sense to me to come to terms with death.

    Not to say that I am not concerned with my death, but I can say that I am more concerned with how I die rather than death itself.

    IMO, having an exit plan is always a good idea. 😉

    Grief

    My experience has been that the grief I have experienced thus far is grounded in selfishness. I.e., most of the grief that I have experienced is not so much out of grief, for example, for the person that died – it’s more grounded in how that death (negatively) impacts me. Upon reaching this conclusion, for me anyway, grief becomes a lot more manageable.

    But, hey, we all need to deal with things in our lives in our own way.

    How do you deal with grief?

    IMO, it’s best to hit it head-on; go through it and experience it. Again, IMO, repressing/denying it is probably not the best course. You cry; you go through the seven stages – you, for example, deny it, you question why it’s happening to “you”. You claim that life is being terribly unfair (to you). You learn to come to terms with these feelings. Then, you move on.

    The end result is, “life goes on”. IMO, there is, ultimately, no right/wrong/good/bad in the universe – these are human concepts – really, things are just as they are.

    YMMV! 😉

  36. Hbh says:

    Yeah there is no set time limit for greiving, some need longer then others. Sometimes you can be over it then years later you can feel the grief of the same loss again. Most of my sadness and grief is because I’m still a selfish person. My belief is death is just a different phase. Our ancestors and love ones walk beside us everyday if your open to it. My last wahine in my life died a few years ago due to health issues. I sometimes miss her but mostly again like it’s for selfish reasons, I miss her company or I miss her sleeping next to me. But I have to remind myself not to be selfish because she is in a better place now

  37. jaydee11 says:

    This has been a tough year for our family. My wife’s aunt and twin cousins passed earlier this year. We are all still grieving and now the holidays are upon us. No one feels like doing Thanksgiving or Christmas or even New Years when all the family gathers for the traditional Japanese celebration.
    Like you said Rod, we all grieve in different ways and some take longer than others to overcome. We will move on, it’s just too soon for us…

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